Chapter 43: Norman Seeks Celebrity Status

In this age of the boutique PR agencies, J.P. prided himself on countering the trend by running a full-service shop. Ever the consummate PR Pro, he could write press releases, arrange for dinners and receptions, create phony front groups, target audiences, plant rumors, run disinformation campaigns, brand products, spin just about anything, create pseudo events, smear opponents, and, yes, even enhance employer-employee communications, if he was forced to.

Best of all, he loved to build images.

J.P’s grandfather had been a pioneering director in Hollywood, and, had it not been for that sex scandal — yes, that sex scandal — he probably would have made a successful transition to talkies in the 1930s. If he had done that, J.P.’s father’s life would have been different, and by extension, so would have J.P.’s.

The PR Pro believed in letting most bygones be bygones, but this was one item he could never let completely go of. He could, however, compensate for it by helping others. Each time he did, the pain in his heart eased a little.

With this in mind, he approached Norman with some image-building suggestions.

“We need to do something about how the public sees you,” he said.

“Why?” said Norman. “What’s wrong with me as I am? I know I'm not very analytical. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things.”

J.P. broke in, “Nothing’s wrong with you. If we change the public’s perception of you, it would help our campaign against the Swallows. The more the public likes you, the less the public likes the Swallows.”

“It can’t be that simple,” Norman said. “People never bought my cars because they liked me. I, first, had to sell the idea they’d save money if they bought my autos.”

“This is a little different,” J.P. said. “The public isn’t buying anything. By supporting our cause it receives the satisfaction of being on the winning side and the vicarious pleasure of helping someone it likes.”

“Okay,” said Norman, growing tired of J.P.’s highfalutin analytical talk. “What can we do?’ ”

“Unfortunately, we can’t get you on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars. I’ve already tried, and they’re booked through to the next decade.”

“Good, because I can’t rhumba,” Norman said.

“I suspected as much,” J.P. said. Even though the comment was phrased in a joking manner, it wounded Norman’s ego a bit.

“ Don’t ‘misunderestimate’ me. I’ve never pretended to be an ‘A-List’ type of person,” Norman said.

“I agree,” J.P. said. “My motto is ‘Be Yourself.’ Hopefully, the camera some day will be turned in your direction and, Bingo!, you’ll be on your way

“Take someone like Parris Hilton,” J.P. continued. “Like you, she doesn’t have a scintilla of talent, but she was in the right place at the right time.”

“I don’t know her, but she does sound like she has the right name, ‘Hilton’,” Norman said. “That’s right up there with ‘Barrymore,’ ‘Kennedy’ and ‘Baruch’.”

J.P. had forgotten Norman came from an older generation. To give him someone he could relate to, J.P. said, “There’s also Charles Lindbergh. You’ll remember he was really the first media celebrity. He flew solo across the Atlantic, then his child was kidnapped and murdered.”

“I’m not that old,” Norman said.

J.P. realized he had been thinking of his grandfather again — “Damn, how could ‘grandpops’ have become so fond of that donkey? Or did he actually misunderstand you were supposed to ride the animal to town?” Norman’s heyday was later, in the 1960s.

“Of course, of course,” J.P. tried to move forward. “I know I can get you on CelebritiesBirthdays.com or CelebrityPhotos.com just like that,” he said, snapping his fingers.

Norman had never heard of either one. “How about my endorsing boats and marine supplies,” Norman said. “I think I’m pretty strong in those categories.”

Personally, J.P. would aim a little higher, but he conceded Norman his point. “Yes, yes, that would be good.”

“We could hold a reception for all the bigwigs and media types to announce our Swallow strategy,” Norman said getting into the swing of things.

This last suggestion irritated J.P. because he had already conceived the idea himself and was going to tell Norman about it as soon as his caterer came up some cute culinary ideas.

So as not to be outflanked by Norman a second and third time, J.P. quickly announced two of his other ideas. “We should also make the rounds in Washington to meet all the congress people who support us and a few who don’t, just to get a feel for the political situation. And, we ought to bring some of the national security experts up here so they can assess the threat themselves,” he said.

“Let’s get back to this image thing,” Norman said. He was warming to the idea. “What about getting me on Hollywood Squares?” he said.

“I think that’s out of production,” J.P. said.

“Well, what about Wheel of Fortune? That’s still going. I just saw one last night,” Norman said.

“I think you have to take some sort of tryout test,” J.P. said.

“Well maybe I could pass it,” Norman said.

“Okay, I’ll look into it,” J.P. said to get him off the subject. “Personally, I think our cause would be better served by interviews where we can present our case against the Swallows. Besides, you’ve got to be careful with show people like Vanna White and Pat Sajak. They might be Bird lovers,” J.P. said.

“Really?” Norman replied, truly shocked. He had never considered that possibility. In his mind, these daily early-evening companions with their squeaky clean personalities must be fellow boat owners who would never allow their decks to be fouled.

This revelation shook his confidence. What if all the good folk in the world weren’t on his side? What if people were identifying more with the Birds than with him? What if …

“Oh, to heck with ‘what ifs,’ “Norman said out loud, startling J.P. “You can’t go through life. thinking about what might have been.”